My Mother My Self

If you can't do it right, don't do it at all.
Kids are to be seen and not heard.
.....and the beat goes on and the beat goes on and on and on and the beat goes on.

I was born in 1948 and my cousin Donna Mae was born in 1951. She was beautiful with blonde hair and blue eyes and my mother never let me forget it. (Was it that Hitlerean thing about blonde hair and blue eyes....... YOU BETCHA.) Remember after WWII the US government brought over all those 'ROBES' to brainwash us, eh?
Robes being ........ Doctors, Judges, and Professors.

"Donna Mae is the most beautiful baby in the world." "Donna Mae is the most beautiful baby in the world." "Donna Mae is the most beautiful baby in the world." .........and so on and so forth.

I never understood why my own mother thought my cousin was prettier than me?????? Go figure, eh? I would think it my whole life and wonder what kind of person could say such a thing?

Anyways, I learned to live with it until I had my oldest child and my mother started it with her. (It was about my mother's next door neighbor's grand daughter; Lynette.) I may have tolerated it with me and my cousin because I was just a child but I DID NOT tolerate it with my daughter. I set my mother straight and walked out of her house and stayed away for quite some time.

I'll tell you what, my cousin; Donna may well have been more beautiful than me but I know for damn sure that Lynette WAS NOT more beautiful than my Dana. (You may think I'm a bit prejudice and maybe I am but you could ask anybody in our home town and they would tell you who was the most beautiful.) NO BRAG - JUST FACT!

My brother and uncle came to me the week before my mother died and told me she was going to die. They said if I wanted to see her I better visit soon or I wouldn't have the chance.

I thought they were lying and 'she' simply wanted to reel me in like a fish to zap me as she always had, but I went. (I took my newborn son with me and bravely walked in to face my mother for the last time.)

I sat and cried most of the time as I could see she was really honestly and truly going to pass over soon. (I wasn't crying because she was going to die.) I hadn't visited her in almost 2 years so I knew if she was going to live, I probably wouldn't see her much anyways. I was crying for the fact that so much of our lives had been wasted in anger and rage. I looked over at her as I held my son and I thought of the way I felt about my kids. I couldn't stop crying and she noticed.

My mother looked at me and said that my son was the most beautiful baby she had ever seen. I didn't know what to say or do. It made me angry and my only thought at the time was that she had been witholding that from me for a lifetime.
Now, you might think the story is over......... NOPE.

Years later I sat holding my second daughter's son and I KNEW what my mother had been doing.......... My g'son had big beautiful blue eyes just like his daddy. As I looked into his eyes, I knew why my mother thought my cousin was indeed, 'the most beautiful baby in the world'. As much as I want to believe that she truly thought that about my son, Lynette (my mother's neighbor's g'daughter had brown eyes.) hmmmmmmmm


My cousin had my daddy's blue eyes and my mother loved my dad very much and even though I always thought my mother was totally insane, my dad took very good care of her. I had my mother's brown eyes and my mother hated herself and she could not bring herself to tell a lie and say that I was as beautiful as my cousin.

I carried a lot of baggage around for a lot of years about my mother until one day my youngest daughter came to me and told me she had dreamed of my mother. In the dream my mother told her (remember my mother is dead by now)she understood me now.

After divorcing my second husband I had a lot of time to think as I was living alone. I started to think back on bits and peaces my mother had told me and worked through a lot of things between my mother and myself. (I know, I know, it's pieces but I cain't hep myself, k?)

My mother lost her mother at 12 from rheumatoid arthritis and she had to be put into foster care. She had been abused in almost every home and even had a huge scar on her leg from her own brother stabbing her with a fork when she lived with him.

There had been 7 kids in the family and a baby girl had burned up in a fire (my mother's words, not mine) and one of them was killed in a car accident in WWII. My mother had my brother when she was 17 and he weighed only 3 pounds as she had been in a car accident.

My brother's father was a professional boxer and he had beat my mother and so she left Texas very young to get away from the abuse.

I can't imagine having a baby at 17 that only weighed 3 pounds. She kept him in a shoe box for several months and had a very difficult time with him as he had constant breathing problems. He later had to wear glasses as his eyes hadn't developed properly.

As I look back now I really wished my mom and I could have resolved our craziness as it would have been nice to help her deal with her awful life. There was a lot of jealousy on my mother's part toward me and I didn't understand that either.

There were a couple of times my mother had a good talking to by the police as she was stalking one of my father's former girl friends. She stalked me and my brother as well but we simply overlooked it. (My mother was a very sad and miserable lady and looking back I wish I could have reassured her but I was myself going through so much that I didn't have the strength.) It only worsened after my dad got cancer and it was very hard to even visit them when they were so ill as they seemed to want to blame my brother and myself for their illness. Looking back the meds played a heavy role in it and it couldn't have turned out any differently.

I blame the 'system' for my lifes woes as it seemed at every step the 'system' played a heavy role in the burdens my whole family was forced to live.

I remember one time overhearing my mother tell a neighbor that she loved my brother more than me. It was so strange as the neighbor asked her how that was possible and my mother simply said she didn't know but she always knew that boys were more important than girls. The neighbor had two little boys so she didn't seem to think it was unreasonable to say something so crazy? .......and yet I see it in my grandkids as well??? I see the boys getting away with arrogance and it strikes me odd that my girls think they way they do? I know for a fact they didn't learn it from me.

One day when I was living in Phoenix I looked into the mirror and I saw my mom looking back at me and I knew I had forgiven her and myself for my hatred.

Just so you know my mother was an abuser and she taught my brother to abuse me as well. He would double up his fist and hit me in the stomach and she would turn around and call me a cry baby and slap me. (From what I gathered, that's just the way it was back in the day......... can you imagine the abuse she must have endured with five brothers???)

.......... R.I.P. Maggie Charity Hott Anderson

My mother

Sonny and Cher The Beat Goes On

(Sonny & Cher)

CHORUS:
The beat goes on, the beat goes on
Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain
La de da de de, la de da de da

Charleston was once the rage, uh huh
History has turned the page, uh huh
The mini skirts the current thing, uh huh
Teenybopper is our newborn king, uh huh

Chorus

The grocery store's the super mart, uh huh
Little girls still break their hearts, uh huh
And men still keep on marching off to war
Electrically they keep a baseball score

Chorus

Grandmas sit in chairs and reminisce
Boys keep chasing girls to get a kiss
The cars keep going faster all the time
Bums still cry "hey buddy, have you got a dime"

Chorus

Madonna The Beat Goes On


Don’t sit there like some silly girl
If you wait too long you’ll be too late
I’m not telling you something new
There ain’t no time to lose (No time to lose)
It’s time for you to celebrate

(So get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
Get up, little girl
(Get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
It’s time, your world
(Get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
Your life, your choice
(Get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
It’s time, live it up

On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes

You don’t have the luxury of time
You have got to say what’s on your mind
Your head lost in the stars
You’ll never go far (No time to lose)
It’s time for you to read the signs

(So get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
Here comes, my hand
(Get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
Take it, you can
(Get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
The time, is now
(Get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
I’ll show, you how

On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes
On and on, on the beat goes

Say what you like, do what you feel
You know exactly who you are
The time is right now
You got to decide
Stand in the back or be the star

(Get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
Here comes, my hand
(Get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
Take it, you can
(Get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat)
The time, is now

I can’t keep waiting for you
Anticipating that you’ve
No time to lose
I can’t keep waiting for you

(Kanye West: )
Ah, it’s the M part 2 I want you, I’m gonna do to you what I want to do to you
Your girlfriend she wants too, beautiful, just flew F from perry, voulez-vous
In a city that don’t snooze, smooze a monster hoos hoos
And I use my ….
Everything that feel good gotta be so ah

Give me room now, I’m like a vampire on a full moon now
And i don’t know about you now but I think I wanna try some new now
See what it do now
And when you sat down, ah, cause you was using your breathe now, ah
Cause you be doin’ it to def now, she’d be doin’ either F now, what’s left now?

Mister West now, can you get any more fresh now? I think I just did just now
Talkin’ my shit that sell, I’m a professional
I admit that flashin’ lights so I live that
Fame is a drum, wanna hit that?
Cause I know exactly where to get that, did you get that?

(Get down, beep beep, gotta get up outta your seat…)

On and on, the beat goes…